I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Drake has all the answers
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
