when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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