i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
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