Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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