Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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