i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
