So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
