clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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