Someone shit on the floor
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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