is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
