last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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