we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
