got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
