my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
