if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
