I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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