You just made me feel so damn special
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
