So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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