I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
