I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
