OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
