dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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