they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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