Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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