she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
