I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Can Purell be used as lube?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
