I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Boobs are out for the taking
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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