I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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