I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
