turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
