my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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