I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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