these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
