I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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