i barfeds in our rink
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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