My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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