when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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