You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
