Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
