I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Randomize
