Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
