there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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