No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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