if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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