You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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