I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
