"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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