he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
