I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
