Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
