I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
