They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
