I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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