I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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