Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
