He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
