I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
this boner is exhausting
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
