I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I wear drunk well.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize