first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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