never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
