good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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