I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
