just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
