So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
