This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Text me some of your sweat
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
