you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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