You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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