i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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