I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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